If this fast has been anything it has been eye-opening. Not only am I blessed to share my experience with others, but God is really using it to change my views on things, particularly myself. As God’s children we are not supposed to be so down on ourselves all the time, we are supposed to have the joy of the Lord. Sometimes I feel like when I don’t have that joy I am doing something “wrong” and God isn’t blessing me. I follow a particular ministry online and they did a video on The Cycles of Christian Growth, I realized as I was listening that I am not alone in my thinking. Sometimes God uses the lower times to build us up to the higher times.
We ALL struggle with some form of self-worth. Even people we consider “beautiful” admit to struggling with the thought of their fat thighs or round tummy. This weekend God opened my eyes to some very interesting things…me and my constant struggle with my body. See, I’ve pretty much always thought I was “fat.” Even though I look back at photos of me in high school and I think “What was I thinking!?! I wasn’t fat!!” But in my head I was. That same mental block has been around my entire life, I can’t think of one time in my life where I thought I was ‘thin’ or ‘beautiful’ or whatever the world tells us we must be. I don’t remember a single time! Ugh there is something seriously wrong with that.
In a computer change over I lost all our photos prior to probably 2010. This means all the memories from Florida, our drive back to Oregon, friends weddings, OUR wedding, our reception… all gone. Hubby is a sweet man, he tells me his memories are in his heart and he doesn’t have to have a photo to remember those things. I finally got over the “loss” and started to move on, we will make more memories I can document. This weekend God showed me that these memories were not lost, I had a back up disc from 2008 and I had all the memories from our wedding on a Walgreens CD. I was giddy as I started to load these old memories on the computer! Hubby and I started to scroll through them and then…horror! (a little dramatic?lol)
There on the screen staring back at me was me, horribly over weight, so fat! I have to tell you it came as quite a shock. I didn’t know how big I actually was until looking back now, and in a different place in my own body. Even the photos of Hubby… wow! We were some chubby folks! As time got closer to 2009 and our wedding things slimmed down drastically but still not more than right now. Looking back sometimes can really show you where you came from and how you are getting to where you are going. God also showed me how we used to be and that life was not glorifying to God in any way shape or form.
After going through those photos I stood in front of the mirror and looked at myself now. I am not the same person, not physically, not spiritually, not anything… honestly I don’t know what kind of conversation that Corri and this Corri would even have. There have been some times during this fast I have felt that maybe I was “cheating” because I was eating some nuts or beans or rice. I can say honestly that if something made me feel guilty (corn bread comes to mind) I wouldn’t go near it. Everything I have put in my mouth for the past 27 days I have felt good about, even if I was really craving a cheese burger. I am really proud of where I have come from, and what God is transforming me into. Not only physically but so deeply in my heart God is changing me from the inside out.
I plan on the final post about this fast to pull some of the “fat Corri” photos and post a little timeline from then to now. My journey of before to after. If only I could post photos of my heart changing… although I don’t know how much of the “before” I would like to share, now the after? That is ALL God’s handy work and I am more than blessed to be changed by the hands that formed the world.
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Enjoy the Cycles of Christian Growth, I do hope you find the time to give it a listen.