My problems are very small, compared to some. I live in a house, I have both legs, arms and eyes. I have heat and food and I breathe just fine. I am in relatively good health with a wonderful husband and two fun dogs, family and friends. But I want to be a Mom. I want to be a Mom so badly that I can taste it sometimes. It just doesn’t happen for me. I’m in a funk today, I just took a pregnancy test and again the results were the same…no. I know that God has perfect timing for everything but sometimes I do wonder if his answer to this is always going to be no. I am sorry this post is not my normal, but I really needed to get these feelings out.
I keep watching my friends have beautiful children. I watch, longing for what they have and yet to be jealous isn’t right either. It crushes my heart every time I hear this beautiful news come to a friend of mine. I wonder how many baby blankets I will make for others and if I will ever make one for myself. Reality grips me, what a horrible time to have a child right now. With my income being the main one, and now being unsure if my boss will even keep the doors open, why would I be so sad today seeing only one line show up on that stupid test?!?
I can’t help that my heart desires this. God told us to multiply and fill the earth. I have always wanted to be a Mommy and what an amazing Daddy my sweet hubby would make! I have fertility issues, and it will only be by God’s grace that we have a child. But why do I have to FEEL like I’m pregnant?! Why do I have to have the nausea, the swollen and tender breasts? Why can’t my period just come like normal and leave like normal? I am so tired of thinking “this HAS to be it, this time!” That is a crushing blow…I mean I could have sworn…
I turn back to the Building 429 song, Not Where I Belong. I know this isn’t my home and these tears are only temporary. Christ will wipe them away once and for all one day, and I know he’ll wipe them away now too, I just can’t help but be disappointed. This world isn’t fair, it will never be fair and I just have to have that blessed assurance holding me. “All I know is I’m not home yet, this is not where I belong. Take this world and give me Jesus. This is not where I belong.” I know I’m feeling “poor me” right now. In fact I’m very glad that I am alone because I can’t really understand myself why I’m so sad for something I’ve never had. Logic just doesn’t come to play here. I’ll never lose this desire to be a Mom, and I think I need to come to grips with the fact that I may never have the desire fulfilled. God’s path for every woman is not always Motherhood. Although look at Sarah… I know I serve a very strong and powerful God who can do whatever He wants, sometime I wish I had a little insight on the future, but then where would the gift come from?
So I’m going to go back to listening to Building 429, maybe cry a little more, then let God heal my broken heart.