Posts Tagged ‘Building 429’

My problems are very small, compared to some.  I live in a house, I have both legs, arms and eyes.  I have heat and food and I breathe just fine.  I am in relatively good health with a wonderful husband and two fun dogs, family and friends.  But I want to be a Mom.  I want to be a Mom so badly that I can taste it sometimes.  It just doesn’t happen for me.  I’m in a funk today, I just took a pregnancy test and again the results were the same…no.  I know that God has perfect timing for everything but sometimes I do wonder if his answer to this is always going to be no.  I am sorry this post is not my normal, but I really needed to get these feelings out.

I keep watching my friends have beautiful children.  I watch, longing for what they have and yet to be jealous isn’t right either.  It crushes my heart every time I hear this beautiful news come to a friend of mine.  I wonder how many baby blankets I will make for others and if I will ever make one for myself.  Reality grips me, what a horrible time to have a child right now.  With my income being the main one, and now being unsure if my boss will even keep the doors open, why would I be so sad today seeing only one line show up on that stupid test?!?

I can’t help that my heart desires this.  God told us to multiply and fill the earth.  I have always wanted to be a Mommy and what an amazing Daddy my sweet hubby would make!  I have fertility issues, and it will only be by God’s grace that we have a child.  But why do I have to FEEL like I’m pregnant?!  Why do I have to have the nausea, the swollen and tender breasts?  Why can’t my period just come like normal and leave like normal?  I am so tired of thinking “this HAS to be it, this time!”  That is a crushing blow…I mean I could have sworn…

I turn back to the Building 429 song, Not Where I Belong.  I know this isn’t my home and these tears are only temporary.  Christ will wipe them away once and for all one day, and I know he’ll wipe them away now too, I just can’t help but be disappointed.  This world isn’t fair, it will never be fair and I just have to have that blessed assurance holding me.  “All I know is I’m not home yet, this is not where I belong.  Take this world and give me Jesus.  This is not where I belong.”  I know I’m feeling “poor me” right now.  In fact I’m very glad that I am alone because I can’t really understand myself why I’m so sad for something I’ve never had.  Logic just doesn’t come to play here.  I’ll never lose this desire to be a Mom, and I think I need to come to grips with the fact that I may never have the desire fulfilled.  God’s path for every woman is not always Motherhood.  Although look at Sarah… I know I serve a very strong and powerful God who can do whatever He wants, sometime I wish I had a little insight on the future, but then where would the gift come from?

So I’m going to go back to listening to Building 429, maybe cry a little more, then let God heal my broken heart.

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Building 429 has a song out called Where I Belong the lyrics are “All I know is I’m not home yet, this is not where I belong.  Take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong.”  These words resonate in my heart with all that is going on in life.  It’s easy to get wrapped up in the poor me attitude, but truthfully this is not our home, this isn’t where we belong.  We are passing through this life, one day we will be with Christ and his believers.  Nothing here will remain, this earth will be destroyed and a new heaven and earth will come.  Sin will become a thing of the past.  What a glorious day that will be!!

We just bought our first home, so it’s easy to get wrapped up in things of this earth.  You want to fill up your house, you want to buy things for your yard, stuff stuff and more stuff.  When spiritual warfare happens though, you are reminded that we are not of this world.  God set us apart to be different and to not be conformed to this world.  We are not to put our faith into things here.  As the old saying goes…No one drives up to heaven in a U-haul.

Are we living apart from this world?  Are we showing the world that material things don’t define us?  That family heirloom you treasure will be destroyed, your favorite CD will be gone, your dog and cat, your house and car.  We will not even hold on to these earthly bodies, which I am very happy about.  The only thing that will matter in the end is your relationship with Christ.  This isn’t our home and we shouldn’t get too comfortable here.

So when the world treats us like we are outsiders, maybe we should be rejoicing more.  Truthfully we are outsiders.  It doesn’t feel good to be treated differently.  It hurts my heart when someone uses my faith against me, but we are not to be conformed to this world or we will have the same fate as the world.  I am not perfect.  I get wrapped up in the world.  These things hurt me and I want to conform to “fit in” sometimes.  But there are gentile reminders to us that this is not the place for us.  The Lord will make all right in the end, just wait patiently on him.

Take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong.

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