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Posts Tagged ‘Christianity’

I wish you could see me now, I wish I could show you how I’m not who I was.  I used to be mad at you  A little on the hurt side too  But I’m not who I was, I found my way around to forgiving you Some time ago But I never got to tell you so.  I found us in a photograph I saw me and I had to laugh You know, I’m not who I was” –Brandon Heath

The words above are words to a song by Brandon Heath called I’m Not Who I was.  It’s a fairy popular song on contemporary Christian radio, but it really strikes a chord in my life.  See friendships have always been very important to me, they are deeply rooted relationships I don’t take lightly.  When I started dating Hubby, it wasn’t a popular decision in my group of friends or even my family.  I don’t like conflict so it became a huge weight on me during those years.  One of my best friends actually wrote me a “Dear John” email to end our friendship because of him.  I was heart-broken!  All I wanted was for everyone to get along, why couldn’t everyone see in Hubby what I saw?  Why would a friend end a very personal, very deep and long friendship over my choice in a boyfriend?  Why would it cause so much conflict with my family and why would I go months without speaking to my own Mom?

Sometimes we have to wait for answers in life… mine have finally come.  See after my last failed boyfriend (yes, I’ve had several) my Mom asked me if I had ever asked God to approve a boyfriend.  A strange request at the time to me, but I thought I hadn’t been doing my best on my own so why not.  I did.  When I met Hubby, I asked God and waited.  I remember the day I heard “yes,” I remember like it was yesterday, what I was doing, what I was watching… So I went forward with the relationship having no idea what was coming next.  I suppose when we are doing God’s will in life, Satan hates that and throws as many road blocks at us.  I’m actually surprised I managed through all of them.  There were times I would just cry and cry not understanding why we were the focus of so much gossip and drama.  My heart ached.

When I got the “Dear John” email from Alecia, it hurt deeper than anything I’d gone through.  Boyfriends sure, they come and go right? But friendships are supposed to last forever.  She had been with me through some of the darkest, hardest parts of my life and all of a sudden because of who I chose to date she no longer wanted to be my friend?  I was hurt and angry for a very long time.  I tried to be “Facebook friends” with her but that back fired when everyone in my family was invited to her wedding, everyone but me of course.  Now in all fairness she was marrying my sister-in-law’s brother, but that also made it worse!  I wrote her a note saying how I couldn’t be a distant viewer of her life and I wished her well and deleted her, and later deleted my whole Facebook account.

From time to time she passes my mind.  What is she doing?  How is she?  Is she happy?  What is new in her world?  Does she think of me?  No matter how much time passes, friendships are friendships and she made a lasting impression on my life.  Today I randomly searched her name and saw her Facebook photo, it looks like she and her husband now have a baby.  Then I go to thinking about this Brandon Heath song, and the lyrics really hit my heart… I’m not who I was.  The friendship was not meant to survive because of who God has been working to change me into.  She no longer fits into my life, as well as the other friends I lost during those years.  God was slowly removing the people from my life that were not going to be fitting anymore, and as painful as it was for me then, it helps me now.  She also isn’t who she use to be and at this point we probably wouldn’t have much in common anymore.  I didn’t understand why I went through all of that, but today I have a better grip on why God allowed some friends to leave and some to stay.  For example, one of my DEAREST friends in the world, Erin (Hi Erin!).  She and I used to be pretty different.  There were a few years in middle school I thought she was stuck up and didn’t want to be her friend.  But God knew what we would be going through in life and he allowed us to stay together and become close friends.  She is now the only friend I call when I have issues with my marriage or something I need a good solid Christian woman’s opinion about.  She has replaced that missing piece that I lost with some of those friends, and in such a better way!  I am blessed to have her as a friend.

As God transforms my life it is nice to be able to look back and see where I came from, and yes sometime reminisce about old friends and old paths.  But I am grateful for the path I am on.  I wish those who have left my life nothing but God’s grace and love.  I am good with them being gone now, they don’t fit in my life.  I’ve forgiven them and that has healed my heart a lot.  I am grateful I am not longer who I was, I am so much better now!

Colossians 3:13

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Yesterday was a particularly hard day, it seems after I wrote my blog yesterday I was wearing a bull’s eye on my back, prime target for the enemy to prove just how human I really am.  I am sorry to say, it worked… I failed.  In my pain after the failure I opened my Bible.  Often times God does reveal to me a verse that speaks to me.  I wasn’t really prepared for what I read though.  2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.  Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Thud.  That was the sound of my jaw hitting the floor.  I mean I was in the perfect place to receive this verse.  Broken hearted from failing to listen, AGAIN, and yet God was telling me that His strength was made perfect in my weakness.

I don’t claim to have all the answers.  I am a sinful human just like everyone else.  I make mistakes and boy do they hurt sometimes.  But hearing God tell me that His strength is there for me when I am weak, it was all I needed to hear.  Did it solve my problems? No.  Was the issue over and forgotten? No.  What did happen was that peace that passes ALL understanding came to me and I felt “better” not perfect but better.  He removed the unbearable weight I felt, He wiped my tears.  Does He ever do that for you?  I’m a pretty emotional girl and tears sometimes come a bit more freely than I wish them to, but when I open God’s word and read it and ask Him to help me in a situation, I find that I can’t cry anymore.  He actually takes the tears from me.

The issues I caused are not resolved and done, I caused damage that only God can heal.  I have asked Him to heal those things and I feel like He said he would.  He has done some amazing healing in my life, I can’t deny God is there.  Today I brought two books with me to work, my Bible and a book called The Excellent Wife.  I pray they both encourage me and help me become better at what I fail at so much.

 

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Building 429 has a song out called Where I Belong the lyrics are “All I know is I’m not home yet, this is not where I belong.  Take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong.”  These words resonate in my heart with all that is going on in life.  It’s easy to get wrapped up in the poor me attitude, but truthfully this is not our home, this isn’t where we belong.  We are passing through this life, one day we will be with Christ and his believers.  Nothing here will remain, this earth will be destroyed and a new heaven and earth will come.  Sin will become a thing of the past.  What a glorious day that will be!!

We just bought our first home, so it’s easy to get wrapped up in things of this earth.  You want to fill up your house, you want to buy things for your yard, stuff stuff and more stuff.  When spiritual warfare happens though, you are reminded that we are not of this world.  God set us apart to be different and to not be conformed to this world.  We are not to put our faith into things here.  As the old saying goes…No one drives up to heaven in a U-haul.

Are we living apart from this world?  Are we showing the world that material things don’t define us?  That family heirloom you treasure will be destroyed, your favorite CD will be gone, your dog and cat, your house and car.  We will not even hold on to these earthly bodies, which I am very happy about.  The only thing that will matter in the end is your relationship with Christ.  This isn’t our home and we shouldn’t get too comfortable here.

So when the world treats us like we are outsiders, maybe we should be rejoicing more.  Truthfully we are outsiders.  It doesn’t feel good to be treated differently.  It hurts my heart when someone uses my faith against me, but we are not to be conformed to this world or we will have the same fate as the world.  I am not perfect.  I get wrapped up in the world.  These things hurt me and I want to conform to “fit in” sometimes.  But there are gentile reminders to us that this is not the place for us.  The Lord will make all right in the end, just wait patiently on him.

Take this world and give me Jesus, this is not where I belong.

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