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Posts Tagged ‘Jesus’

Today is my Friday, Praise God! I started my new job Monday and am blessed to work 4 10 hour shifts and get Friday’s off.  I can sure get used to that.  Things are still a bit nuts, we are trying to get all our gardens and farms done and planted.  Hubby is struggling with his back.  I am exhausted from my new job and all the learning.  I can really understand why we educate children and not adults, I can’t believe how tired I am from just learning a new computer system and office policies!

Quick update to say I’m still here and still alive.  Weight is actually staying pretty reasonable.  We were blessed to find a used steam sauna on craigslist for a CHEAP $150 rather than $1400, which is what it started out at, but the man was so desperate to sell it he dropped the price every other day.  But the time we found it, it was $150.  It’s a small capsule that one person sits in and it works similar to an electric kettle, the element heats the water and it steams up.  You can see out but hard to see in and there is a place to put essential oils (amazing for colds). So we are still taking good care of our bodies although I haven’t juiced since Monday, I’m just too tired. 

My Grandma went to heaven recently.  She had been living in a body that wasn’t working for many hard years, my Grandpa passed away several years ago and I know she was miserable without him.  I can imagine the beautiful reunion they had!  Although sad, it is a blessing she is no longer in pain.  Her memorial is at the end of the month, my Aunt has asked me to read one of the poems she wrote.  I knew she painted but never did know she wrote poetry.  It’s about the potter and clay and being molded for God’s use.  I shared her love of poetry but mine was more “poor me” type stuff.  It is interesting how much we learn about someone when they are no longer here.  I do remember going swimming in her pool, she taught me how to crochet and knit, I remember crawling into her huge bed and watching morning tv shows together, and I remember her passion and love for Jesus.  I look forward to the day I am reunited with her again.  I was not the best Granddaughter though, not visiting her much in her assisted living home.  When she started to get sick and older there was a time I was a kid and I had to help her pull up her pants in the bathroom of a restaurant.  It was hard for me as a youngster to understand that, Grandma’s where supposed to help you not the other way around.  I pray for the guilt I do feel and trust it will be forgiven.  I do think it will make me act differently if another family member goes into a “home.” 

Make sure to tell those you love how much they mean to you, this is a short life my friends and you never know when you won’t have another chance to say “I love you.”

xoxo

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I am hungry, there is no doubt about it.  I think about food most of the day, what I want, what I can’t have, what I wish I could…   It doesn’t help that I work by a very popular outdoor mall, the smell of cooking food can be smelt all around my work.  Even going for a walk you can smell the lovely hamburgers being cooked up, I’m salivating!  If I’m totally honest with you, there have been several times in the past week that I was ready to throw in the towel for one bite.  I haven’t, I’ve stayed strong but ONLY but God‘s grace.  I don’t have much self-determination/control.  I’ve been the one to quit thing when they get too hard rather than push through and finish what I started.  I feel like this fast is pushing me to be different and better than I’ve given myself credit for. Don’t get me wrong, I have always wanted to be like those people who never quit and never give up but that has never come easy to me.

All I could think about yesterday was a cheese burger, and still today the thought is still there.  I settled for the rest of my taco “meat” (aka walnuts see yesterday’s post for recipe) in a big salad with avocado, tomato, cilantro… a big raw taco salad.  As Hubby and I stood in the kitchen praying over our dinner it struck me, God created the food we were about to eat, it wasn’t made in a lab, or in factory, it was grown and picked just as God provided it.  So to truly give thanks for our food mean so much more because I was thanking God for providing the tomato and avocado and cilantro and walnuts.  I wasn’t thanking God for providing Kraft or Nabisco.  Somehow eating this way makes me really appreciate what God gave me and I can be so much more thankful for it.

The other thing that God mellowed my heart with is just the fact that when Jesus fasted he HUNGERED.  I was listening to a sermon on my way to work and they were talking about the pain and suffering that Jesus went through for us.  How when we go through something difficult we can be assured that Jesus too went through pain and difficulty.  There is no way I could be nailed to a cross for the sins of everyone that hated me.  No way.  But the sermon reminded me that Jesus went through all of these “human” things because of his love for us.  He was hated, persecuted, he hungered, and thirst,  he even asked to have the cup he was about to endure to be taken from him… but not his will be done but God’s will.  I would never want to serve any other god that doesn’t make themselves human and go through what we go through on a daily basis.  That is love, it’s hard down here!  But if Jesus could eat no food for 40 days and he hungered at the end, I can certainly drink juice and eat produce for another 26 days.  Sometimes all we need is a change of prospective.  I still hunger but 40 days isn’t the rest of my life, I will eat a burger again, I will have pasta again… but I can follow the foot prints of precious Jesus and finish this fast with some grace.

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When you are on the right path, Satan can’t stand it.  The Bible clearly says For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places Ephesians 6:12.  Although it seems to our living-in-this-world self that everything is purely physical, there truly is a battle going on around us, and this weekend I felt the struggle of the battle.

First off if you don’t know I am doing a 40 day juice fast.  Today is day 6…ugh not even a week yet!  Saturday I woke up feeling refreshed and ready for the day.  I was up for a couple of hours, did some dishes, made juice and was sitting down with Hubby to drink some, when all of a sudden I get this horrible headache out of nowhere.  Then I get this over whelming sensation of nausea and I start to feel a bit dizzy.  My first thought was “did the juice just do this to me?”  I told Hubby how I was feeling and he suggested I lay down.  Now just so you know I’m still very much a kid when it comes to “laying down” it’s like punishment!  LOL I don’t know why, but I don’t take naps well either.   But after a few minutes of trying to fight it, I went quietly to lay down.  Hubby came to check on me several times and all I could do was respond how horribly I felt.  My big dog Jack came and laid next to me and I was all warm and snugly, finally I fell asleep.  I woke up a bit later to Hubby laying down next to me and fell asleep again.  Virtually I slept most of Saturday away.  I later figured out it was probably detox symptoms.  Either way, when you don’t feel good generally you want to eat.  My comfort food is macaroni and cheese, I grew up on Kraft what can I say!? I wanted so badly to just quit the stupid fast and feel better by eating something “solid.”  Truth is I wouldn’t have felt better in the long run, I knew that deep inside.

After the day of napping, we were out of sweet produce (apples, pineapple, tomatoes) and needed to head to the store.  I was feeling better so we loaded up the dogs in the van for a “ride” and headed to the store.  I was weak and tired, I just wanted to get in and get out.  Sometimes God‘s plans don’t match up to ours.  We got out of the produce section, here is where I tell you Hubby is not doing the fast with me, and head over to grab something in the dairy section for Hubby.  He has a bad back which is hurting and naturally doesn’t want to force himself while feeling bad to do the fast.  I can’t say I blame him.  We stop at one of those sample ladies, she starts telling us about the growth hormones in milk and we start chatting.  The next thing I know Hubby (who is an extremely chatty person) was talking to this lady all about God and she was eating it up like sponge.  She had recently starting going to church and basically said “you were meant to be here today, God sent you.”  Here I was with a negative heart, tired and grumpy and I wanted to go home and God was using my sweet husband to reach this woman’s heart.  She looked at me and said “you are so beautiful, your skin is radiating.”  I felt nothing like that, but her spirit was so kind and sweet, and even before we left she reiterated to me how she thought I was beautiful.  Thank you Lord, I needed that.

Sunday.  No headache, no stomach ache, we are on a roll.  I got out into the yard and did some weeding, moved some branches Hubby cut down and some friends showed up.  They helped us with some yard work, brought us beautiful tomato and pepper plants for us to put in the ground.  Then… my biggest temptation, it was time to barbecue.  Listen up, my husband is the WORLDS BEST BARBECUE man!  I am not joking, he really should try out for some kind of competition, he just has it down.  He slow cooks everything over indirect heat, he has a pan of water for steam, he uses real mesquite wood to barbecue with, and everything comes out juicy and tender.  AH, I’m starving. 😉  Our friends brought fish and freshly caught oysters to throw on the grill, seafood is one of my favorites!  There I was alone in the kitchen preparing this lovely fish for them, getting truffle butter melted down with garlic to coat the fish with, the smells were intoxicating!  Once the oysters were on, they wanted butter to dip the beauties in, so it was up to me again to prepare that for them.  My gracious attitude was starting to fade.  I was upset, I was hungry and I wanted just a bite of what they were eating.  I prepared a couple portobello mushrooms for myself, we’ve fried them up before and they taste just like meat, so I was thinking this would work perfect.  I added lemon, lime and garlic and it came off the grill, I sat down alone and took the first bite, it was burnt and nasty tasting, nothing like meat.   My selfishness was starting to show, I could feel it welling up inside of me “but THEY get to eat!”  It wasn’t about them, it’s about me and my desire to follow through with something.  To finish something.

Later I started to really crave nuts.  I thought, I did this fast for a week with nuts and by this time I was feeling wonderful, why not add nuts in?  I truly gave it to God “Can I add nuts Lord?”  A little while later I felt in my heart that I needed to finish this thing just as I started it.  It’s not about comfort, it’s not about pleasure, it’s about faith.   Faith that God will be faithful to me and heal my body with this fast, faith that Jesus fasted 40 days and was tempted by Satan himself and still didn’t give up, faith that I can finish this fast with grace and maybe some joy.  It is easy to give up, the hard part is actually sticking with what you start.

This morning was another hard one.  Hubby is doing very poorly with his back, he has no health insurance and no job and with one income we just can’t afford to send him to a doctor that wants $200-$800 upfront for a visit.  I held that on my shoulders almost all day, guilty that I have health insurance sitting unused.  Worry about an issue with the car and then I cut my finger chopping my morning juice veggies.  The home phone we just got isn’t working and of course they will want money if the issue is on the inside of the house, Lord let it not be an expense to us!  As Terri Clark once said “I’m an emotional girl” I finally broke down a few hours ago in the bathroom and cried.  I couldn’t help it, that’s just the way God made me, a bit overly emotional.

Two sources today reminded me of this verse Philippians 4:13 I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. I was then led to read about Jesus fasting for 40 days in Matthew 4:2-4 And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungred.  And when the tempter came to him, he said, If thou be the Son of God, command that these stones be made bread.  But he answered and said, It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.  Then in verse 11 Then the devil leaveth him, and, behold, angels came and ministered unto him.  Jesus quoted scripture to the devil and he could not argue with that and then he LEFT Jesus.  I love that.

I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me!

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So thanks to the suggestion of my blogger friend who writes under the blog A Real Food Lover (Please check her out by the way) I am not doing a 30 day fast but a 40 day fast.  Why 40 days? Well it was brought to my attention that God uses 40 a lot in the Bible, it’s one of his numbers.  Just a quick google search (what did we do without google!?) I found a great site talking about 40 in the bible, read it here but here are some of my favorites.

Significance of 40 in the Bible (all info here is from http://www.40day.com/40_in_the_bible.html):

  • It rained for 40 days and 40 nights when God wanted to cleanse the world and start over.
    (Gen 7:12 KJV) And the rain was upon the earth forty days and forty nights.
  • Moses was on the mountain with God for 40 days (TWICE)
    (Exo 24:18 KJV) And Moses went into the midst of the cloud, and gat him up into the mount: and Moses was in the mount forty days and forty nights.
  • The Israelites spent 40 years in the wilderness, one year for each day they explored the Promised Land.
    (Exo 16:35 KJV) And the children of Israel did eat manna forty years, until they came to a land inhabited; they did eat manna, until they came unto the borders of the land of Canaan.
  • Jonah warned the City of Nineveh they had 40 days until God would overthrow the city. The people repented in those 40 days and God spared the city.
    (Jonah 3:4 and 10 KJV) And Jonah began to enter into the city a day’s journey, and he cried, and said, Yet forty days, and Nineveh shall be overthrown.
    And God saw their works, that they turned from their evil way; and God repented of the evil, that he had said that he would do unto them; and he did it not.
  • Jesus fasted for 40 days in the wilderness
    Mat 4:1-2 KJV) Then was Jesus led up of the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted of the devil. {2} And when he had fasted forty days and forty nights, he was afterward an hungered.
  • Jesus was seen in the earth 40 days after His crucifixion
    (Acts 1:3 KJV) To whom also he shewed himself alive after his passion by many infallible proofs, being seen of them forty days, and speaking of the things pertaining to the kingdom of God: .

So obviously 40 is significant to God.  I have some things in my body that need healed, and I believe that God will heal me using his created fruits and vegetables.  I believe that God is faithful and true and he wants to heal his people.

Last time I fasted for a week I ate nuts and seeds.  This time I’m not, just juice and fruit and vegetables.  I do have to confess that I wanted peanut butter SO bad last night, funny thing to crave but I didn’t give in.  I was really tired today, groggy and kind of foggy.  I’m currently working on my second quart of juice for the day and just got back from wonderful walk.  I had so much energy on the walk I was surprised, but near the end I was ready to be done.  Other than that I’m doing well, a bit of hunger pangs but they will go away when I finish the juice.  I still want nuts very badly, but I think it is good to deny our flesh things too.  I pray God works in my life, my body and my spirit in these next 40 days.

 

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Yesterday was a particularly hard day, it seems after I wrote my blog yesterday I was wearing a bull’s eye on my back, prime target for the enemy to prove just how human I really am.  I am sorry to say, it worked… I failed.  In my pain after the failure I opened my Bible.  Often times God does reveal to me a verse that speaks to me.  I wasn’t really prepared for what I read though.  2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.  Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Thud.  That was the sound of my jaw hitting the floor.  I mean I was in the perfect place to receive this verse.  Broken hearted from failing to listen, AGAIN, and yet God was telling me that His strength was made perfect in my weakness.

I don’t claim to have all the answers.  I am a sinful human just like everyone else.  I make mistakes and boy do they hurt sometimes.  But hearing God tell me that His strength is there for me when I am weak, it was all I needed to hear.  Did it solve my problems? No.  Was the issue over and forgotten? No.  What did happen was that peace that passes ALL understanding came to me and I felt “better” not perfect but better.  He removed the unbearable weight I felt, He wiped my tears.  Does He ever do that for you?  I’m a pretty emotional girl and tears sometimes come a bit more freely than I wish them to, but when I open God’s word and read it and ask Him to help me in a situation, I find that I can’t cry anymore.  He actually takes the tears from me.

The issues I caused are not resolved and done, I caused damage that only God can heal.  I have asked Him to heal those things and I feel like He said he would.  He has done some amazing healing in my life, I can’t deny God is there.  Today I brought two books with me to work, my Bible and a book called The Excellent Wife.  I pray they both encourage me and help me become better at what I fail at so much.

 

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My problems are very small, compared to some.  I live in a house, I have both legs, arms and eyes.  I have heat and food and I breathe just fine.  I am in relatively good health with a wonderful husband and two fun dogs, family and friends.  But I want to be a Mom.  I want to be a Mom so badly that I can taste it sometimes.  It just doesn’t happen for me.  I’m in a funk today, I just took a pregnancy test and again the results were the same…no.  I know that God has perfect timing for everything but sometimes I do wonder if his answer to this is always going to be no.  I am sorry this post is not my normal, but I really needed to get these feelings out.

I keep watching my friends have beautiful children.  I watch, longing for what they have and yet to be jealous isn’t right either.  It crushes my heart every time I hear this beautiful news come to a friend of mine.  I wonder how many baby blankets I will make for others and if I will ever make one for myself.  Reality grips me, what a horrible time to have a child right now.  With my income being the main one, and now being unsure if my boss will even keep the doors open, why would I be so sad today seeing only one line show up on that stupid test?!?

I can’t help that my heart desires this.  God told us to multiply and fill the earth.  I have always wanted to be a Mommy and what an amazing Daddy my sweet hubby would make!  I have fertility issues, and it will only be by God’s grace that we have a child.  But why do I have to FEEL like I’m pregnant?!  Why do I have to have the nausea, the swollen and tender breasts?  Why can’t my period just come like normal and leave like normal?  I am so tired of thinking “this HAS to be it, this time!”  That is a crushing blow…I mean I could have sworn…

I turn back to the Building 429 song, Not Where I Belong.  I know this isn’t my home and these tears are only temporary.  Christ will wipe them away once and for all one day, and I know he’ll wipe them away now too, I just can’t help but be disappointed.  This world isn’t fair, it will never be fair and I just have to have that blessed assurance holding me.  “All I know is I’m not home yet, this is not where I belong.  Take this world and give me Jesus.  This is not where I belong.”  I know I’m feeling “poor me” right now.  In fact I’m very glad that I am alone because I can’t really understand myself why I’m so sad for something I’ve never had.  Logic just doesn’t come to play here.  I’ll never lose this desire to be a Mom, and I think I need to come to grips with the fact that I may never have the desire fulfilled.  God’s path for every woman is not always Motherhood.  Although look at Sarah… I know I serve a very strong and powerful God who can do whatever He wants, sometime I wish I had a little insight on the future, but then where would the gift come from?

So I’m going to go back to listening to Building 429, maybe cry a little more, then let God heal my broken heart.

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I’m going to open my vulnerable door for a moment to share something quite personal and well, embarrassing.  I am a quitter.  There I said it and I guess it wasn’t so scary to say.  What I think is scary is the change that has to occur to stop being a quitter.  Yep, I want to quit being a quitter.  This is me, below… the quitter.  If I put a face with this post it makes it real, I can’t hide anymore and that is an important thing, in changing this behavior, I believe.

This part of me has been around since I was a child.  I quit dance team, I quit cheer-leading (even though we won a trophy), I quit track, volleyball, softball.  I really won’t bore you with the entire list of things in my life I have quit but let me tell you it is extensive.  I often wish that at some point in my growing up period my Mom would have forced me to finish something I started.  I wonder if that would have changed something in me?  However, it didn’t happen that way and I am a 30 year old woman who can no longer put the blame of her life in the hands of someone else.  If I am a quitter, that is because I have allowed this to continue in my life.  Hopefully this post is the beginning of the end of that Corri.

This all came to an emotional head last night.  We live in a small town outside of Portland, Oregon.  I’m an Oregon girl through and through.  I grew up in Portland and we just don’t get snow in the city.  So it’s a foreign thing, but always fun.  Well this week we got clobbered, a foot and a half.  Yes, that is clobbered to us here, don’t laugh.  The weight of the heavy wet snow snapped a limb off a tree in our yard, as well as our hedges.  The snow was so heavy they were leaning over to the side about ready to fall over.  So hubby (who is a go getter) and I went out to try to remedy the situation.  We removed the snow from the bushes then propped it up with boards so that hopefully, the hedge would continue to grow upward.  During the process I was cold and wet.  My hands were getting cut (it felt like) from the frozen snow on the boards.  I couldn’t separate the boards that were frozen together.  I would have rather just quit and gone inside.  And apparently my attitude showed that.  “I can’t” flowed out of my mouth like water.  Over and over, “I can’t.”  Well it actually turns out that I could, and did help to get this done, but it left a taste in Hubby’s mouth that he didn’t like.  I think the worst thing for a go-getter is a “I Can’t” person.

After a long conversation where it became PAINFULLY obvious that I have a problem with being too negative and “I can’t” but that attitude also made me feel like I couldn’t do things so just quit and move on.  I laugh at quitters on tv (Ice Road Truckers is a favorite) but I am just like them.  I don’t pull out that “fight for it” mentality.  I got to thinking about all the things in life I start and quit.  Here is a short list: Books (I love to start but rarely finish), Knitting, Exercise, Cleaning projects, Writing, Bills, Arts and Crafts etc.  So last night after a bit of thinking and praying I came up with a solution to some of the smaller problems I have.  If I start a knitting project or a book or something like this, I am requiring myself to touch it at LEAST one time a week until it is finished.  I will start using my calendar to write down when I read or when I knitted.  I will plan out a day to make soap (etc) so that these things don’t sit unused and money wasted.

The bigger stuff is harder.  When something becomes too hard it’s just my nature to give up.  This morning on my way to work I was thinking about this.  I thought of John 19:30, Jesus, our savior, was up on the cross after being beat, tortured, mocked, and spit on.  First off he asked God to forgive the people because they know not what they do, but then he says in John 19:30 When Jesus therefore had received the vinegar, he said, It is finished: and he bowed his head, and gave up the ghost.  IT IS FINISHED.  What if Jesus didn’t finish?  What if Jesus said ” you know what? You people don’t even care, you are ungrateful and  uncaring and I don’t care anymore. I’m getting myself down off this cross and you all can figure it out for yourselves.”  But that isn’t the way it went down because if it was, we wouldn’t have any chance of salvation, because everyone sins and we have all fallen short of the glory of God (Romans 3:23).  His pure love for us and his desire to be with us forever was so great that he was willing to be killed at the hands of his creation to save it.  While that same creation mocked him, told him to prove himself and come off the cross, gambled for his clothes, stuck a crown of thorns into his skin, forced him to carry his own cross, and then nailed him to it through his skin, he stuck it out and asked God to forgive them.  I mean if anything was going to make someone quit, that would be it.  He could have too… he could have got down off that cross and stopped everything from happening to save his own flesh, but Jesus was more than flesh.  And yet there he hung, for the sins of everyone who will just accept him, no fancy prayers to say a zillion times a day, no works to get to heaven, HE paid the price and he didn’t give up on us even though we hated him.  He finished.  His last words were “It is finished.”  Wow talk about powerful.  As a follower of Christ I should be able to finish too, just because of his example.

So who am I to be a quitter?  Not to mention that having a positive attitude about things in general help positive things to happen to you.  And I’m not talking about the hocus pocus stuff that The Secret tries to lie about.  I’m talking about a positive attitude that things will turn out ok, because ultimately God is in control and when he says we go, we go.  So I want to be a finisher, just like my savior was.  It is time for me to grow up and get strong and start finishing things that I start.  When things get hard, I find a way to keep going, I dig down deep to find that extra push to keep my legs moving, or my arm swinging, or my body working.  I truly want to hear “well done” when I stand in front of Jesus and a quitter won’t hear that.  Pray for me, please.  The power and strength of God will help me through, because that is where strength truly comes from.  Lift me up in prayer and hold me accountable.  I want to be a finisher.

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