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My problems are very small, compared to some.  I live in a house, I have both legs, arms and eyes.  I have heat and food and I breathe just fine.  I am in relatively good health with a wonderful husband and two fun dogs, family and friends.  But I want to be a Mom.  I want to be a Mom so badly that I can taste it sometimes.  It just doesn’t happen for me.  I’m in a funk today, I just took a pregnancy test and again the results were the same…no.  I know that God has perfect timing for everything but sometimes I do wonder if his answer to this is always going to be no.  I am sorry this post is not my normal, but I really needed to get these feelings out.

I keep watching my friends have beautiful children.  I watch, longing for what they have and yet to be jealous isn’t right either.  It crushes my heart every time I hear this beautiful news come to a friend of mine.  I wonder how many baby blankets I will make for others and if I will ever make one for myself.  Reality grips me, what a horrible time to have a child right now.  With my income being the main one, and now being unsure if my boss will even keep the doors open, why would I be so sad today seeing only one line show up on that stupid test?!?

I can’t help that my heart desires this.  God told us to multiply and fill the earth.  I have always wanted to be a Mommy and what an amazing Daddy my sweet hubby would make!  I have fertility issues, and it will only be by God’s grace that we have a child.  But why do I have to FEEL like I’m pregnant?!  Why do I have to have the nausea, the swollen and tender breasts?  Why can’t my period just come like normal and leave like normal?  I am so tired of thinking “this HAS to be it, this time!”  That is a crushing blow…I mean I could have sworn…

I turn back to the Building 429 song, Not Where I Belong.  I know this isn’t my home and these tears are only temporary.  Christ will wipe them away once and for all one day, and I know he’ll wipe them away now too, I just can’t help but be disappointed.  This world isn’t fair, it will never be fair and I just have to have that blessed assurance holding me.  “All I know is I’m not home yet, this is not where I belong.  Take this world and give me Jesus.  This is not where I belong.”  I know I’m feeling “poor me” right now.  In fact I’m very glad that I am alone because I can’t really understand myself why I’m so sad for something I’ve never had.  Logic just doesn’t come to play here.  I’ll never lose this desire to be a Mom, and I think I need to come to grips with the fact that I may never have the desire fulfilled.  God’s path for every woman is not always Motherhood.  Although look at Sarah… I know I serve a very strong and powerful God who can do whatever He wants, sometime I wish I had a little insight on the future, but then where would the gift come from?

So I’m going to go back to listening to Building 429, maybe cry a little more, then let God heal my broken heart.

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