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Posts Tagged ‘Religion and Spirituality’

I wish you could see me now, I wish I could show you how I’m not who I was.  I used to be mad at you  A little on the hurt side too  But I’m not who I was, I found my way around to forgiving you Some time ago But I never got to tell you so.  I found us in a photograph I saw me and I had to laugh You know, I’m not who I was” –Brandon Heath

The words above are words to a song by Brandon Heath called I’m Not Who I was.  It’s a fairy popular song on contemporary Christian radio, but it really strikes a chord in my life.  See friendships have always been very important to me, they are deeply rooted relationships I don’t take lightly.  When I started dating Hubby, it wasn’t a popular decision in my group of friends or even my family.  I don’t like conflict so it became a huge weight on me during those years.  One of my best friends actually wrote me a “Dear John” email to end our friendship because of him.  I was heart-broken!  All I wanted was for everyone to get along, why couldn’t everyone see in Hubby what I saw?  Why would a friend end a very personal, very deep and long friendship over my choice in a boyfriend?  Why would it cause so much conflict with my family and why would I go months without speaking to my own Mom?

Sometimes we have to wait for answers in life… mine have finally come.  See after my last failed boyfriend (yes, I’ve had several) my Mom asked me if I had ever asked God to approve a boyfriend.  A strange request at the time to me, but I thought I hadn’t been doing my best on my own so why not.  I did.  When I met Hubby, I asked God and waited.  I remember the day I heard “yes,” I remember like it was yesterday, what I was doing, what I was watching… So I went forward with the relationship having no idea what was coming next.  I suppose when we are doing God’s will in life, Satan hates that and throws as many road blocks at us.  I’m actually surprised I managed through all of them.  There were times I would just cry and cry not understanding why we were the focus of so much gossip and drama.  My heart ached.

When I got the “Dear John” email from Alecia, it hurt deeper than anything I’d gone through.  Boyfriends sure, they come and go right? But friendships are supposed to last forever.  She had been with me through some of the darkest, hardest parts of my life and all of a sudden because of who I chose to date she no longer wanted to be my friend?  I was hurt and angry for a very long time.  I tried to be “Facebook friends” with her but that back fired when everyone in my family was invited to her wedding, everyone but me of course.  Now in all fairness she was marrying my sister-in-law’s brother, but that also made it worse!  I wrote her a note saying how I couldn’t be a distant viewer of her life and I wished her well and deleted her, and later deleted my whole Facebook account.

From time to time she passes my mind.  What is she doing?  How is she?  Is she happy?  What is new in her world?  Does she think of me?  No matter how much time passes, friendships are friendships and she made a lasting impression on my life.  Today I randomly searched her name and saw her Facebook photo, it looks like she and her husband now have a baby.  Then I go to thinking about this Brandon Heath song, and the lyrics really hit my heart… I’m not who I was.  The friendship was not meant to survive because of who God has been working to change me into.  She no longer fits into my life, as well as the other friends I lost during those years.  God was slowly removing the people from my life that were not going to be fitting anymore, and as painful as it was for me then, it helps me now.  She also isn’t who she use to be and at this point we probably wouldn’t have much in common anymore.  I didn’t understand why I went through all of that, but today I have a better grip on why God allowed some friends to leave and some to stay.  For example, one of my DEAREST friends in the world, Erin (Hi Erin!).  She and I used to be pretty different.  There were a few years in middle school I thought she was stuck up and didn’t want to be her friend.  But God knew what we would be going through in life and he allowed us to stay together and become close friends.  She is now the only friend I call when I have issues with my marriage or something I need a good solid Christian woman’s opinion about.  She has replaced that missing piece that I lost with some of those friends, and in such a better way!  I am blessed to have her as a friend.

As God transforms my life it is nice to be able to look back and see where I came from, and yes sometime reminisce about old friends and old paths.  But I am grateful for the path I am on.  I wish those who have left my life nothing but God’s grace and love.  I am good with them being gone now, they don’t fit in my life.  I’ve forgiven them and that has healed my heart a lot.  I am grateful I am not longer who I was, I am so much better now!

Colossians 3:13

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Yesterday was a particularly hard day, it seems after I wrote my blog yesterday I was wearing a bull’s eye on my back, prime target for the enemy to prove just how human I really am.  I am sorry to say, it worked… I failed.  In my pain after the failure I opened my Bible.  Often times God does reveal to me a verse that speaks to me.  I wasn’t really prepared for what I read though.  2 Corinthians 12:9 And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness.  Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me.  Thud.  That was the sound of my jaw hitting the floor.  I mean I was in the perfect place to receive this verse.  Broken hearted from failing to listen, AGAIN, and yet God was telling me that His strength was made perfect in my weakness.

I don’t claim to have all the answers.  I am a sinful human just like everyone else.  I make mistakes and boy do they hurt sometimes.  But hearing God tell me that His strength is there for me when I am weak, it was all I needed to hear.  Did it solve my problems? No.  Was the issue over and forgotten? No.  What did happen was that peace that passes ALL understanding came to me and I felt “better” not perfect but better.  He removed the unbearable weight I felt, He wiped my tears.  Does He ever do that for you?  I’m a pretty emotional girl and tears sometimes come a bit more freely than I wish them to, but when I open God’s word and read it and ask Him to help me in a situation, I find that I can’t cry anymore.  He actually takes the tears from me.

The issues I caused are not resolved and done, I caused damage that only God can heal.  I have asked Him to heal those things and I feel like He said he would.  He has done some amazing healing in my life, I can’t deny God is there.  Today I brought two books with me to work, my Bible and a book called The Excellent Wife.  I pray they both encourage me and help me become better at what I fail at so much.

 

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I came across an article on one of my favorite websites, naturalnews.com.  I get daily emails from them with new articles and if you’ve never checked them out, I do recommend the site.  I’ve learned so much about natural medicine, vaccinations (hot topic!), cancer treatments etc from this website.

Today as I’m reading through titles one struck me “When the change you need to make is obvious to everyone but you,” this has actually been something I struggle with.  To be perfectly honest, I don’t like to listen to others opinions of me, especially when negative.  I mean, come on, I just walked on water yesterday!  Hubby struggles with this.  God bless that man!  He has worked and fought with me for 6 years trying to get me to see my faults.  Why is it so easy to point out the issues with others but when they point out ours we get defensive?  Honestly, I’m sick of it.  I’m tired of being that person that no one wants to tell their attitude sucks, or their response to something is rude.  It really goes against what I believe.  God said in his word “Who so loveth instruction loveth knowledge: but he that hateth reproof is brutish (showing little intelligence or sensibility)” (Proverbs 12:1), “A wise son heareth his father’s instruction: but a scorner heareth not rebuke” (Proverbs 13:1) and even “Poverty and shame shall be to him that refuseth instruction: but he that regardeth reproof shall be honoured” (Proverbs 13:18).  So to deny reproof (or criticism for a fault per Websters) is to deny what God is telling us to do.  He says that a good person, a just person, a REAL person of God will gladly accept correction for errors rather that get defensive.  So when I read this article on naturalnews, it really struck me.  It’s not a Christian writing this, but I struggle with this same thing.  Here’s the article… pray for me in this, so that I can be pleasing not only to my husband but also to my Savior.

http://www.naturalnews.com/035002_point_of_view_perspective_happiness.html

My favorite line: “I pay attention to feedback with the awareness that I may have a blind spot and that others certainly have a perception of me that I don’t see.”  We all have blind spots, isn’t that why God gave us family, friends and spouses to help us see where we are not “perfect” and where we can use a change?  The only perfect person who walked this earth was killed and hung on a cross, it is time I wake up to that fact and know that I am faulty just like the next guy.  I will have flaws and I will make mistakes, I will get angry and say the wrong thing, I need to be humble enough to accept the reproof and turn from those mistakes.  Luckily I am a work in progress, and I’m grateful that God works in me.  It is time we all allow that to happen.

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